How death doulas support the dying and their families too
When his grandfather passed away, Marquis Allen flew in from out of town to pay his respects and be with his family during a delicate and sad time.
He was surprised to find his family members rushing around, overwhelmed by all of the decisions that needed to be made when a person dies. Where to have the funeral? What will grandfather wear? What kind of coffin? Are there other options? What were his wishes? Planning, while feeling in shock, while grieving, while wondering what grandfather would have wanted, is a lot all at once. Marquis thought, “there’s got to be a better way.”
Marquis Allen and Betsey Bogen of Serene Transitions, LLC, Memphis, TN
After some reflection and research, Marquis learned about the existence of death doulas, trained professionals who assist families in taking care of the end of life planning.
But death doulas offer much more than a calm presence and a helping hand with funeral arrangements. They support the dying by making sure their voices are heard and their wishes are honored. They support the family by educating on the dying process, creating a plan for the moment of death (also called vigil planning), and facilitating much needed conversations between family members.
And so, Marquis had found his new passion. He completed his end-of-life doula training through the International End of Life Doula Association (INELDA), International Association of Professional Death Doulas (IAPDD) and LifeSpan Doulas. He founded Serene Transitions of Memphis, Tennessee and he and fellow death doula, Betsey Bogen, offer a myriad of services. Many of the services focus on communicating, reflecting, and planning BEFORE a loved one passes.
Imagine how beautiful it would be if people could make amends before a loved one passes away. Imagine if we knew exactly what kind of celebration or funeral our loved one would want. Imagine if our loved one had a moment to reflect on their life and feel proud of all that they have accomplished.
These are all services that Marquis and his partner offer to clients, though they have fancy names like Advanced Care Planning and Legacy Projects. It’s interesting, though, that many people shy away from planning, the very thing that would make the whole process so much more positive and less stressful. I asked Marquis, “Why do you think we are so resistant to talking about dying?”
“Some people are afraid to talk about dying because deep down inside they feel that they might make it happen if they talk about it,” Marquis told me, “But people need to realize that talking about death and dying doesn’t make people die any more than talking about sex makes people pregnant!”
End-of-life doulas facilitate communication that supports healing, smooth transitions, and mental health that family members carry with them for the rest of their life.
“Sometimes family members just need to know that their loved one is okay, that their wishes are being respected and that they are heard, and that makes all the difference.” - Marquis Allen
If you think your family would benefit from end-of-life doula services we at the Global Doula Project encourage you to find a local doula that is a good fit for you. If you are wondering how to choose, we’ve collaborated with Marquis at Serene Transitions in the creation of some questions to ask your potential doula. He says it’s never too early to start planning. You can enter your name and email address below to download the PDF. Thank you, Marquis!
Do you have experience with finding an end-of-life doula that was a good fit for your family? We’d love to hear about it in the comments below.
