The myth of the “super” parent
Before my first baby was born I remember being home on maternity leave and feeling a bit lost, like I didn’t have a purpose. My husband came home from work and proudly showed me pictures of beautiful windows that he had installed for a client. “That’s nice,” I said, and then burst into tears. “At least you did something today. I didn’t do anything.”
Why is it that we must accomplish a million tasks in order to feel worthy? Most of us need something to show. Some of us need to earn money. Or we need to exercise or help a friend or clean something. I was literally growing a human from scratch, and I felt like I hadn’t done anything that day.
New parents often say, “The baby is so sweet, but I can’t get anything done! When I put him down, he cries. The house is a mess, I need a shower, I can’t even manage to cook dinner!”
Somewhere along the way, the “super” parent ideal came along. Growing humans and taking care of them became the bare minimum. “Super” parents do it all. They have happy, well-adjusted, emotionally secure, healthy kids, AND their house is clean, they’ve got a side hustle, and they’re finally writing that book.
Maybe we all know that “super” parents don’t really exist, but we still strive to be one. The more we do, the better. The more we have to show for our day, the better.
Society doesn’t help. We get praised for all the things we do. “You’re kids are kind AND eat healthy food AND you take care of your elderly aunt! You’re such a supermom! You’re superdad! How do you do it all? You’re amazing!”
But if you’re not writing a book, and your house is a mess, and “all” you’ve done today is rock the baby, you’ve still done a lot. In fact, you’ve done the most important things.
You tended to your baby’s needs, you learned his cues, you fed him, changed him, made him smile. Your arms around him made him feel safe. You are building the foundations for a life.
That’s amazing. Don’t let society’s “super” parent standards lead you astray. You are doing work that will impact future generations. Be proud of the messy house. You are taking care of the most important thing.
Further reading:
What Mothers Do: Especially When It Looks Like Nothing (2005)
Anne Kathryn Rice is a mother, doula, and founder of the Global Doula Project, a nonprofit organization working for a world where every family has loving, nonjudgmental support around the time of birth.
